My New Business Idea
According to a Roper poll commissioned by SCI FI Channel, approximately 2.9 million Americans currently report they have experienced UFO abduction phenomenon. This makes me think three things: 1) Americans are desperate to believe in fantasy because their reality is so grim. 2) That in his book In The Demon-Haunted World astronomer Carl Sagan points out the alien abduction experience is remarkably similar to tales of demon abduction common throughout history. 3) This could be an excellent business opportunity.
Business opportunity? Why, yes! It may be the apocalypse, but I’m still an American eager for bigger and better. Here’s how I see it.
I think it’s fair to say that most people who claim to have been abducted by aliens feel violated, tormented and at the very least, fearful of the experience happening again. Many of these “victims” live with anxiety, not to mention frustration as their claims may not be believed by others. My own mother is one of these people. Yes, she has told me the story of being paralyzed in her bed, seeing the bright light and being transported aboard a spacecraft. To which I smile and nod, especially in front of company and order a third glass of wine. Do I believe her? The woman who let me leech off her blood and bones for nine months before pushing me out? I believe she believes it and there’s no changing her mind. She’s my mother and she’s scared and I’d love to provide her some comfort. Here’s where the business opportunity comes in.
I want to create a product that functions as an alien repellant. A talisman that inhibits an alien’s ability to abduct the victim. A kryptonite to weaken the E.T. I’d pay between $30 and $50 to give my mother that comfort. What a great birthday gift for the woman who has everything. Maybe, possibly, it would even work…
I know one could say I’m taking advantage of the mentally infirm. But I would argue that such a product may provide peace of mind. Is that so wrong? There are at least two companies offering Alien Abduction Insurance policies. The payout is higher if the claimant has been impregnated by an alien, irregardless of whether the claimant is female or male.
So is it immoral to sell a product that a company cannot prove works? Well, let’s take a look at the supplement industry. Supplements are not regulated by the FDA, which doesn’t mean they don’t work. It just means that a silly little thing called science can’t back it up. It’s easy to see that before Western medicine, there must have been at least some worthy herbal remedies devised by various cultures over the years – it only makes sense. Let’s consider a current company called Highland Laboratories (love the idea that the name is getting me to conjure a scientist in a lab coat testing his findings then suddenly his printer runs out of paper – gasp! – and he can’t actually show me the test results). Highland’s product is called Maximum Male and claims it can boost “peak male sexual performance” and even help “create a better relationship”. Hell, I’m ready to start taking it. Until I look at the main ingredient: horny goat weed. I clean my glasses. Yes, I read it correctly. A quicki-wiki says that horny goat weed, AKA Epimedium, was discovered by a Chinese goat herder who noticed sexual activity in his flock after they ate the weed. For you research traditionalists out there, I mention the Chinese goat herder’s report did not account for any other contributing factors, such as warm spring weather, the presence of any particularly sensual Chinese music, nor the attractiveness of the female goats. More wiki-ing shows a recent Italian study showing that Epimedium produced results similar to those found in sildenafil, AKA Viagra, to which I say – since when do Italian men need Viagra??? If this is true, I really have lost my faith in humanity.
So the point. In America, we are still free to pursue life, liberty and happiness. If happiness means a feeling of protection from those pesky extra terrestrials prone to midnight medical examinations, then I’m in business. Anyone want to give me a start-up loan?