Staying out of the Madhouse
Social clubs can be trendy. I mean, who didn’t join a fight club after that movie came out in the ‘90s? My shoulder still hurts from being dislocated so many times. But trendy isn’t always bad. Here’s a retro club that’s making a huge comeback post-bomb.
The gangs calls themselves THE EXTRACTORS.
No, it’s not a do-it-yourself dental surgery club, it’s a clique of people who have each other’s backs when it comes to staying out of Insane Asylums. An important club indeed in these difficult times.
Philosopher and inventor Charles Babbage, best known for crafting the world’s first computer, first started the club in 1854. The Extractors have four rules:
I. Every member shall communicate his address to the Secretary once in six months.
II. If this communication is delayed beyond twelve months, it shall be taken for granted that his relatives had shut him up as insane.
III. Every effort, legal and illegal, shall be made to get him out of the mad-house. Hence the name of the club–The Extractors.
IV. Every candidate for admission as a member shall produce six certificates–three that he is sane, and three others that he is insane.
After seeing Shutter Island this weekend, I’m starting my own Extractor’s Club, pronto. Here’s what I need: A secretary who’s detail oriented (any volunteers?) and feedback on what qualifies as a certificate to prove one is sane or insane. I’ll start with the definitions.
sane |sān| (adjective): (of a person) of sound mind; not mad or mentally ill : hard work kept me sane.
• (of an undertaking or manner) reasonable; sensible.
I’m wondering if a college degree might work to certify that one is reasonable and sensible. I understand that not all “reasonable, sensible” people have degrees, but we are looking for tangible proof here. This seems better than getting a doctor to write a “sanity” note – I mean, how the hell would he know?
I suppose a driver’s license might qualify. The DMV is trusting you to maneuver and operatate a 2-ton potential death machine, so that works for me.
We need three sanity certificates, so maybe the last one could be a firearms license? It’s implied that to get one, someone must think you’re sane enough not to blow everyone’s head off, but I guess that’s no guarantee…How about an Olympic medal as proof? Wait, judging by the Russian ice-dancer’s costumes, I take that back. This is a bit more difficult than I thought it would be.
insane |inˈsān|(adjective) in a state of mind that prevents normal perception, behavior, or social interaction: certifying patients as clinically insane | he had gone insane.
Okay, this one should be easy. Anyone who has 5+ birth certificates from children they have themselves sired or birthed. A prescription for an antidepressant, anti-psychotic or anti-anxiety drug. A mention by name in any of those “Darwin Awards” books. Video footage of one’s appearance on a reality TV show. An Olympic medal in ice dancing.
Well, I’m good to go! In terms of doing the actual Extracting, (legally or illegally), that’s going to take some more thought. I’m guessing that illegal mad-house extractions are more popular because of all the subversive mischief involved. Though hopefully with all these certificates, the legal ones will be easier. I think the Los Angeles chapter of the Extractor’s Club is off to a “sane” start.
Any other Extractors out there want to join?