Fallout Girl's Blog

Life’s SPECIAL effects…

Radiation Level:  3000 Calories

Listening To:  Going Somewhere by Colin Hay

Writing is hard.  Waiting is even HARDER.  I’ve never been very good at trusting the universe or letting go and letting god, so each day that goes by without a phone call or an email about my latest project is excruciating.  I know I’m supposed to just keep myself distracted by writing other scripts, but if I don’t check my email once every 15 minutes, I feel like I’ll fall down the rabbit hole.  The truth is, I’m already in the hole and only one phone call will get me out.

That’s a big risk, I know.  To put so many eggs into one basket.  But I realized today, I don’t know anything other than risk.   There have been zero “sure things” in my life.  It’s not that I purposefully avoided them, rather I always dreamed in SuperSize and for some cockamamie reason, assumed I was destined for great things.  Not that I was owed them, but that I would create them.  Where does this kind of disillusionment come from?

When I was an actress, I remember detailing my frustration to my therapist about coming very close to a big role and, in the end, not getting it (this has happened numerous times, and each was more painful than the last).  I said something like, “I’ve always thought I was special”.  Sounds terribly narcissistic now, but I did think that.  She said to me, “Everyone thinks they’re special when they’re young.  Very few of us actually are.”   Well, that shut me up.  I stewed.  The audacity of telling me I’m not special!  What did she know?  I’ll prove her wrong and she’ll be sorry.

That was 10 years ago.

Yes, I will continue to risk big.  Maybe, just maybe,  it will pay off.  If it does, I’ll let you know.

2020, here I come!


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