A Legitimate Massage
Radiation Level: Unsafe at Any Speed
Listening To: Nkolo by Lokua Kanza
Okay, so if anything warrants a massage, a birthday definitely qualifies. A small recompense for getting a year closer to death. Of course, there must be lots of spa options being that Palm Desert is temporary home to thousands of Memorialers. I googled, found Desert Massage Therapy and got an appointment. $77 with Brenda. I could have opted for the $7 upgrade to aroma therapy, but in general, I prefer things that DON’T smell, so I declined.
I drove to this small little building out in La Quinta and the place looked nice enough. Not very zen, but clean and simple.
Brenda was nice, seemed like the librarian at my old grade school. She asked me to sign a form that she read to me out loud. No injuries. Check. No medical conditions. Check. Then she said “inappropriate behavior will not be tolerated.” I laughed. Out loud. Brenda clearly didn’t think this was funny. I tried to cover, “I guess you have to say that, right?” No reply. I signed the form and made my way to the massage room.
She told me to get under the blanket on the table, with her soft, high voice. Then she announced she was washing her hands (health code?) and said, “Again, this is a legitimate massage.”
Seriously!?! I understand that there are places where happy endings can be had, but with Brenda the librarian in La Quinta? She felt it wasn’t enough to get me to SIGN A FORM, but she had to remind me as well? What the hell kind of inappropriate things does she think I’d want her to do? I was flabbergasted. And grossed out.
Needless to say, the massage was de rigour, and I actually kept forgetting I was getting it, let alone thinking about anything inappropriate. A good massage should hurt. I mean really make you feel beat up after. But not this one. This was gentle and quiet, as if your friend’s mother was doing it. Then I started thinking, maybe inappropriate behavior didn’t mean hanky-panky. Maybe it meant knock you down, pummel you until you scream, walk on your back with weights, fry your flesh with hot stones and swat you with eucalyptus branches. It seems these behaviors are also not tolerated by Brenda. Too bad.