The Internet is a Strange Place
Radiation Level: $4.99 a month
Listening To: Digging Your Scene by the Blow Monkeys
Most of you know that when FalloutGirl was young, I was an actress. I started at age 7 with a commercial for a doll named Tender Love and Kisses (you squeezed her stomach and she puckered her lips with a smootching sound). I continued to pursue acting through high school, through college and beyond. While acting has provided some extremely NEATO experiences for me, I never actually “made it”.
Anyhow, the little bit of acting work I did occasionally garnered the interest of a random 12-year-old boy living in the midwest. About once a year, I’d get a a handwritten letter from one of them asking for a signed headshot that they would presumable hang on their wall and j*rk off to. Telling myself that this was just the beginning of the necessary evil of my fame, I’d sign the pic and send it off. I would then imagine a day when the mailbox was so full of these “fan” letters, that it would become necessary to hire a secretary to handle all my fan mail. Well, the internet can make strange fantasies come true.
A few days ago, I found an email in my inbox with the subject line:
Huh? I read the letter.
I’m 60 years old and I don’t speak English very well.
But I want to do a gift for my daughter for his birthday. (30/07/2010)
You are a his fans from long time and she wants to
wonder could do her a surprise, sends her a pictures
signed by you.
I am sure that she would be happy.
I have tried many times to send a written letter but after
almost a year, I don’t have still had an answer.
I would be most grateful if you had the kindness to
fulfil my dearest wish.
With all my heart.
Thank you in advance.
My daughter name is: STEFANIA
Via Fratelli Rosselli 23
48018 FAENZA RAVENNA
Okay, call me cynical, but I have a feeling this 60-year-old doesn’t have a daughter named Stefania and if he/she did, a photo of me is NOT what she wants for her birthday (hello, iPhone?). But maybe, okay, I’ll send it. I assume the 60 year old or his/her daughter has watched a film I was in on DVD and that’s how they know of me. But then another email came.
hi falloutgirl, i would like to know if you have a photo that you would please sign for me?ski, vermont
Hmmm. Is Ski, Vermont really an address? I guess that’s where people who don’t use uppercase letters live. Then came another:
Dear Miss FalloutGirl,
I am one of your great and constant admirers for a long time. (Really? How long? Or should I ask, how long have you been in prison?) You are great and I enjoy all what you do. I collect all your pictures, movies, magazines, … relating your career. I have a great wish. (Let me guess, to ban offshore oil drilling? Discover how to predict earthquakes? Save the gorillas?) Could you please send me a dedicated picture? I would be so honored and happy ! I thank you very much in advance for any consideration you may show me in writing. (Should have known, right?) Best wishes for the future and greetings from Brussels. Regards,
Hey, who doesn’t like great and constant admirers?
By now I started to guess something was up in cyberspace. Clearly some website was pimping my email address, which is fine. Just surprising, is all. I googled myself, but couldn’t find the site.
Dear Ms. FalloutGirl,
It would be such a honor for me if you could please send me a couple of your business cards signed and a autograph photo to Michael O—-, Auburndale, FL 33823 USA. Could you please sign them to Michael and date them. Well I will tell you a little about myself. (Please!!! I’m dying to know!) My full name is Michael Francis O—-. I hope to one day to have a successful career in politics. I have four dogs named Orbit, Rocky, Sampson and McDonalds (You’re very creative with pet names, Michael! Certainly this trait will serve you well in your political career) . My favorite school subjects are History and Political Science. I was born in New York State. Three questions I would like to ask you is what is your most memorable moment in your career (Glad you asked, Michael! It was when I was working three long days (for free) on a film for a famous independent film director and was told I could not have his email address after I refused to pull down my pants and let someone sign my ass while he filmed it. I went home, burst into tears and vowed to write as bad of a movie as he did.), when you were a child did you have any idols (Of course I had idols. I greatly admired Logan in the film Logan’s Run – so brave! I pretended for years I had a crystal growing in the center of my hand) and do you have any advice for a young person who wants to have a successful career like yours. (My advice Michael, is that you should do your research. I was not a successful actress and it troubles me that you can’t figure that out. If you want to be a politician, study Thomas Jefferson, James Madison and Abraham Lincoln. But don’t go to school, go to the gym every day, keep up your tan and always do your laundry. Use the moniker GTL). I hope to hear from you soon. Have a nice day and thank you for taking the time to read this letter. (You’re welcome, Mike!)
Then, the “letter of hope”
My name is Jay —- and I am writing to you for a reason. Just within the past 9 years I have gotten seriously involved in Diabetes Advocacy. I am not asking for money. (Good, ’cause I don’t got any) I don’t feel comfortable doing that. Money is great but that’s not my purpose. (Um, Jay, cures take money, lots of money) Instead, I am asking for your help in educating others. With the work that has been done, the success that has been made, a cure should be found in no time.
Thank you for your time,
International Diabetes Youth Ambassador
Okay, that’s kind of cute – The diabetes youth ambassador wants my help, though I’m not sure exactly what I’m supposed to do to educate people. Does this blog count?
Then, finally, the mystery of my sudden rise to popularity was solved. Paul from Georgia told me he found my email address on http://www.startiger.com which is an “autograph community”. That’s right, for $4.99 a month, you too can have access to the email address of thousands of celebrities like myself. If that’s not a good deal, I don’t know what is!