Radiation Level: Me, Me, Me, Me!
Listening To: I Can Change by LCD Sound System
It seems like only in America do we need a holiday to remember to give thanks. Because the other 364 days out of the year we’re bitching and complaining about all the crap for which we’re not thankful.
–> “Wahhh! I don’t want to get a full body scan!”
–> “Wahhh! I don’t want to learn proper English, I like to make up words like ‘refudiate’!”
–> “Wahhh! I don’t want to cut my arm off with a dull knife just because it’s trapped under a boulder and I might die!”
Yes, I’m also guilty as charged of such complaining. So I will give thanks tomorrow as I shove buckets of food into my mouth and unsnap the top button of my pants as my gut expands from eating the so-aptly-named ‘stuffing’.
But then on Friday, I want a holiday called THANKSGETTING.
Yes, you read me right. I want everyone to THANK ME. For what, you ask?
–> For putting up with their foul noises, bad driving, awful musical choices, unclear and confusing text messages, cheap wine and underestimations of my abilities.
–> I want AT&T to thank me for spending nearly $1200 a year on lousy cell phone service.
–> I want Netflix to thank me for not terminating my account every time I get a DVD that’s in multiple pieces.
–> I want Citibank to thank me for keeping their credit card despite the 26% interest rate.
–> I want Facebook to thank me for donating tens of hours of my precious week to their morally-questionable cause. (Ps, feel free to “like” this blog post)
–> I want the internet to thank me. Not sure why, but I just feel like it should.
–> I want Jerry Brown to thank me for voting for him.
–>I want my mother to thank me for not treating her the way she treats me.
–> I want Hollywood to thank me for continuing to hold onto my dream of making movies despite its extended middle finger that repeatedly stabs me between the eyes.
–> I want Starbucks to thank me for my mindless-spending on their ridiculous beverages.
–> I want Anthropologie and Athleta to thank me for being their ho, willing to turn tricks to simply wear one of their sweater dresses with boots.
–> And I want Cher and Christina Agulera to thank me for paying to see their sure-to-be-trashy-movie Burlesque. Can’t wait!
Happy Thanksgetting to you!!!
What do you want to be thanked for?