Radiation Level: Burnt popcorn
Listening To: Where is My Mind??? by The Pixies
Okay movie-goers, here’s the list the movie studios DON’T want you to read! You see, they make quite a bit of cash on DVD’s and Pay-Per-Views, but let me just tell you that, after watching 133 movies this year, definitely skip these flimsy flicks!
#10 The Sessions
Okay, just to be clear, I think EVERYONE should have a sex life, especially if you live most of your day in an iron lung. That said, I don’t necessarily want to WATCH everyone’s sex life on film. Ickity-ick! Poor Mark (John Hawkes) nearly drowns in his own saliva trying to orally pleasure Cheryl (Helen Hunt). Bless him for trying but I’m not interested in seeing Helen Hunt’s lady business up in my face on the big screen. I, in no way, want to diminish this powerful story, but sometimes, stories should just be told in a book.
#9 Extremely Loud, Incredibly Close
Again, another powerful story. But dang, they should hand out Prozac with your movie ticket and remove all sharp objects from your person. This was so, so, so depressing. The pain and the agony I felt while watching this movie was too much. If I’d have paid to see it, I would have been suicidal.
#8 Friends with Kids
How could such a a great cast make such a God-awful movie? And who decided troll-headed Adam Scott should be a movie star? I don’t get it. There’s no way in hell I’d make a baby with that Qwepie skull. The fighting, yelling, crying in the movie made me want to stick a needle in my eye. Oh, poor pretty-white-lady-Manhattanite has a perfect baby but can’t get the dude to marry her. Please, some people have real problems.
#7 Celeste and Jesse Forever
Okay, listen to this premise: Celeste and Jesse have been married for 5 years, love each other, are best friends, but Celeste is disappointed that Jesse is still the same silly, goofy guy she married and now thinks she can do better. Can you say “entitled”? Look, if she ain’t happy, she should move on but if the filmmakers want me to feel sorry for her, FORGET IT!
#6 Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
With such a silly title, this movie should at least be fun, right? About as fun as a hatchet to the head. I don’t mind filmmakers who come up with wild, outlandish ideas – but you gotta follow through! You can’t just give up on the story, you have to make it mean something. Thank God for Quentin Tarantino who KILLED IT with Django Unchained – another film about slavery that delivered on its turbulent premise. Django Unchained surprised, repulsed, shocked and excited. If you can’t do those four things in a horror movie, DON’T EVEN TRY.
#5 Ten Years
Okay, Channing Tatum is hot, but he doesn’t even take off his clothes! Total rip off!!!!
#4 The Words
I have NO words to describe how pointless and annoying this movie was.
Bootsie the sock puppet’s review of The Words:
#3 The Odd Life of Timothy Green
This movie was so pathetic and melodramatic, I don’t see how anyone ever agreed to make it. A boy who grows from leaves then disappears after the four seasons is a fine premise, but let’s see something remotely interesting or surprising about that story. At least Pinocchio had an angel and a whale…
# 2 is a three-way tie between Looper
I’ve tied these three movies together because they all had more prosthetic noses than a WWI army hospital. And at least two of the three had hobbits.
Looper was just a cruel, torturous story about a mother who loves a little boy who may destroy the world, meanwhile all the other characters are nose-hopping while looping.
Bootsie’s review of Looper:
Cloud Atlas, one of four films I can think of this year that was about slavery, felt more like I was flipping channels on my hotel TV than an actual story. “From womb to tomb, we are all connected” — I’m disconnecting immediately.
Bootsie’s review of Cloud Atlas:
The Hobbit was just one long set up to two more long movies. Couldn’t one, just ONE of the 15 dwarves, hobbits and wizards be a woman? No? Why not? And this 48 fps business is even more annoying than the 3-D.
Are you ready for the WORST, most WRETCHED movie of the year, 2012???
#1 The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure
You know you’re in trouble when one of your central characters is a vacuum! This movie comes from the mastermind of Teletubbies and flopped, garnering the worst box office of any movie ever. Turns out that 3-year-olds just aren’t asking mommy to take them to the movies. Go figure!