Radiation Level: Burnt popcorn
Listening To: Where is My Mind??? by The Pixies
Okay movie-goers, here’s the list the movie studios DON’T want you to read! You see, they make quite a bit of cash on DVD’s and Pay-Per-Views, but let me just tell you that, after watching 133 movies this year, definitely skip these flimsy flicks!
#10 The Sessions
Okay, just to be clear, I think EVERYONE should have a sex life, especially if you live most of your day in an iron lung. That said, I don’t necessarily want to WATCH everyone’s sex life on film. Ickity-ick! Poor Mark (John Hawkes) nearly drowns in his own saliva trying to orally pleasure Cheryl (Helen Hunt). Bless him for trying but I’m not interested in seeing Helen Hunt’s lady business up in my face on the big screen. I, in no way, want to diminish this powerful story, but sometimes, stories should just be told in a book.
#9 Extremely Loud, Incredibly Close
Again, another powerful story. But dang, they should hand out Prozac with your movie ticket and remove all sharp objects from your person. This was so, so, so depressing. The pain and the agony I felt while watching this movie was too much. If I’d have paid to see it, I would have been suicidal.
#8 Friends with Kids
How could such a a great cast make such a God-awful movie? And who decided troll-headed Adam Scott should be a movie star? I don’t get it. There’s no way in hell I’d make a baby with that Qwepie skull. The fighting, yelling, crying in the movie made me want to stick a needle in my eye. Oh, poor pretty-white-lady-Manhattanite has a perfect baby but can’t get the dude to marry her. Please, some people have real problems.
#7 Celeste and Jesse Forever
Okay, listen to this premise: Celeste and Jesse have been married for 5 years, love each other, are best friends, but Celeste is disappointed that Jesse is still the same silly, goofy guy she married and now thinks she can do better. Can you say “entitled”? Look, if she ain’t happy, she should move on but if the filmmakers want me to feel sorry for her, FORGET IT!
#6 Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
With such a silly title, this movie should at least be fun, right? About as fun as a hatchet to the head. I don’t mind filmmakers who come up with wild, outlandish ideas – but you gotta follow through! You can’t just give up on the story, you have to make it mean something. Thank God for Quentin Tarantino who KILLED IT with Django Unchained – another film about slavery that delivered on its turbulent premise. Django Unchained surprised, repulsed, shocked and excited. If you can’t do those four things in a horror movie, DON’T EVEN TRY.
#5 Ten Years
Okay, Channing Tatum is hot, but he doesn’t even take off his clothes! Total rip off!!!!
#4 The Words
I have NO words to describe how pointless and annoying this movie was.
Bootsie the sock puppet’s review of The Words:
#3 The Odd Life of Timothy Green
This movie was so pathetic and melodramatic, I don’t see how anyone ever agreed to make it. A boy who grows from leaves then disappears after the four seasons is a fine premise, but let’s see something remotely interesting or surprising about that story. At least Pinocchio had an angel and a whale…
# 2 is a three-way tie between Looper
I’ve tied these three movies together because they all had more prosthetic noses than a WWI army hospital. And at least two of the three had hobbits.
Looper was just a cruel, torturous story about a mother who loves a little boy who may destroy the world, meanwhile all the other characters are nose-hopping while looping.
Bootsie’s review of Looper:
Cloud Atlas, one of four films I can think of this year that was about slavery, felt more like I was flipping channels on my hotel TV than an actual story. “From womb to tomb, we are all connected” — I’m disconnecting immediately.
Bootsie’s review of Cloud Atlas:
The Hobbit was just one long set up to two more long movies. Couldn’t one, just ONE of the 15 dwarves, hobbits and wizards be a woman? No? Why not? And this 48 fps business is even more annoying than the 3-D.
Are you ready for the WORST, most WRETCHED movie of the year, 2012???
#1 The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure
You know you’re in trouble when one of your central characters is a vacuum! This movie comes from the mastermind of Teletubbies and flopped, garnering the worst box office of any movie ever. Turns out that 3-year-olds just aren’t asking mommy to take them to the movies. Go figure!
Radiation Level: Olympic gold
Listening To: Hot Knife by Fiona Apple
Why would anybody order a hot dog from a restaurant?
Radiation Level: Thousands affected
Listening To: I Can Change by LCD Sound System
That’s right readers, we’ve hit over 100,000 page views – super exciting for a girl in a gas mask hiding underground!
Those of you with your own blog know that the “stats” page can be quite intriguing but also bizarre. To give you a taste of what I mean, I’ll share with you some “search terms” people used to get to my blog – yes, these are actual words web users typed into Google or some other search engine that led them to thefalloutgirl.wordpress.com.
We’ll start with some freaky ones:
Loving sheep (don’t want to know)
Sexy male feet and hole
High heel shoes on a black girl’s foot
Torture sex (this one pops up a lot – disturbing…)
Punishment corset “pointe shoes”
Here are some educational queries:
Sentence structure Flowers in the Attic (who doesn’t need to know this?)
Funeral etiquette teacher clothes
Clinically insane certificates (keep yours in a safe place, I do)
Describe earthquake weather
Fun for kids:
Make the teacher scream (truly frightening)
Old Victorian dresses for little girls
Rabbit heads alice in wonderland
Wizard of Oz:
Wizard of oz ruby slippers with wine glass
Protagonist of Wizard of Oz novels
Keep moving forward Dorothy Wizard of Oz
Dorothy heel clicking
Fallout / Nuclear radiation related:
Fallout is about optimism (It is?)
Hello kitty lamb gas mask
Glamour gas mask
Chimp hard to believe they evolve from us (don’t get me started…)
Are chimpanzees man-eating?
Chimpanzees in public schools (what???)
And general “need-to-know” queries:
Disillusioned of my life
My life is a big zero
Boyfriend wears tights
Yes, you too can end up on my blog by searching “Boyfriend wears tights.” What did you search to get here?
Radiation Level: San Onofre SHUT DOWN!
Listening To: Le Temps de l’Amour by Francoise Hardy
Most of you know Fallout Girl is reviewing movies. I love my job – I mean who doesn’t like to give their opinion about movies? If you’re not reading them, here’s why you may want to…
1) I judge a film by entertainment value. Many Hollywood news outlets can be snobby, comparing this director’s current film to their last, or if they expected more from such an over-inflated budget, etc. Many also value a film’s box office total over a quality movie experience. I try to give the low down on what to expect for your 12 or 15 bucks. If it wasn’t that entertaining for me but I know your kids or your hubby will love it, I’ll say that too. My reviews are practical and come from the point of view of a woman who loves movies. Period.
2) I love watching sexy men (okay, and women). What this means is, if Taylor Kitsch is looking particularly H-O-T, I’ll mention it. If Ewen McGreggor looks freaky-nerdy instead of freaky-sexy, I’ll let you know. Same with the gals, especially if Jennifer Lawrence’s costumes and eyelashes are FABULOUS!
3) There is a secret code word. In my reviews, I try to be fair and provide an unbiased journalistic commentary. HOWEVER, if I really, really like a movie and as my friend, I think you should race out and see a film, I will end my review with “Enjoy!” That my friends, is the ultimate seal of approval.
So there you go. I had three this week. Would love to know what you thought about:
Radiation Level: The power plant is shutting down
Listening to: White Wedding by Billy Idol perf. by Bootsie
WARNING: Do Not Try This at Home!
Yes, I did audition for a reality show. Not totally willingly, however. Here’s what happened: I was contacted last week by a production company regarding an event in which I took part in the 1980’s. (I’m purposefully being vague because I’m not allowed to reveal the specific info) Let’s just say I was a tween before the word tween was box office gold, and the event had to do with a bunch of girls being as absolutely annoying as possible.
The event was televised and I received 15 seconds of fame. Puny fame, really just small clams. But for a 12-year-old starting a new Jr. High, it was absolutely toxic. Not intoxicating – toxic, as in deadly. I was on the cover of the local paper and the public school kids didn’t like it one bit. I was threatened, made fun of, cursed at, rumors were spread and I was even beat up. This was the students’ way of saying, “Welcome to your teens, FalloutGirl – f*ck you!” This was the original event that made me FalloutGirl and the subject of my screenplay of the same name. Needless to say, when I heard someone was developing a reality show about this topic, I was gobsmacked and dubious. But these producers really wanted to meet me, and I am an expert, and it was a very long time ago, sooooo…
To be clear, I’m not a person who desires to be on a reality show. I did submit a script several years ago to a reality show that was about developing a sitcom, but that’s about the extent of my desire – to get my scripts produced. So, given that I have a screenplay on the topic about which they were developing the show, I was curious. Is there an opportunity here for me? Perhaps. I decided it was worth taking the meeting to find out.
I was interviewed on camera. Asked questions about my youth. Even asked my age!! (BTW – that’s illegal!) Then I was asked to engage in the annoying banter. I explained that this was something I did when I was 12. Not anymore. I agreed to speak about the past but only if it was clear it was my past not my present. The young producer laughed hysterically as the goofy phrases rolled out of my mouth. Was it really that funny?
I think the 80’s are curious to young people. They love the New Wave music, John Hughes movies and even wear some of the odd styles. The Cold War is romanticized by kids as young as 5th grade. Why? Maybe because it was a simpler time. Less technology (I remember getting my first answering machine), clear enemies (those mean Russians) and the prosperous Reagan era.
So is this why the young producer is attracted to this project? I guess we’ll see. It’s odd to me that I would be considered an ambassador of the 80’s, but perhaps that’s what I am by default, having lived through it, participated so wholly in it and where I was totally famous for a micro-minute. Like, fer sure!
Radiation Level: Binary Electrograms from San Onofre
Listening To: Blue Jeans by Lana Del Rey
I’ve been doing a lot of head-scratching at movie screenings lately. Not because the movies are bad or confusing, but more because the hero or heroine doesn’t have a goal. In film school, they always ask, “what is the protagonist’s objective?” or, “What does s/he want?” Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz wants to go home. Simple. Without this “want” she would be a mere passive tourist in Oz. The ruby slippers would still be lovely, but without the tie to Dorothy obtaining her goal, they wouldn’t be iconic. Clicking your heels three times would not resonate on such a deep level.
All this may sound obvious, but I’ve seen two movies recently where the protagonists did not have a goal. Nothing. One of these movies is based on a fairy tale and had a very large budget – what could be the excuse? I’ll admit that the objective of most “Princesses” tend to be shallow, but still they exist. Cinderella wants to marry the prince. Little Red Riding Hood wants to get to her grandmother’s house. (Not terribly complex, but still, they have something they want to accomplish.) Snow White wants to..? What? Hello? Is there NOTHING Snow White wants? Is she not interested in finding out what happened to her father? Or why her stepmother is such a bitch? Or marrying a prince? I find this lack of desire quite shocking. Without it, the main character cannot “arc” as they say. They do not grow or change. They stay the same. Ugh.
As I struggle with this, I wonder if maybe I have it backwards. Maybe the Evil Queen is the protagonist and Snow White the true villain? It seems the Queen has a lot more at stake – being the “fairest one of all” is a big responsibility. Maybe Snow wants to ruin the Queen’s life. Probably not, but this would have made for a much more interesting story. At least the costumes were good.
Radiation Level: Solar Storm
Listening To: Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell
FalloutGirl’s Movie Reviews:
Last weekend I had a scratchy throat. But it seemed like it was on its way out. I went to Richard Simmons on Saturday and worked out extra hard for some reason. I was exhausted after and the sore throat got worse. I rested on Sunday, I don’t even think I left the house. Then Sunday night BurbankGirl asked if I wanted to help her strike props from the set of the Bachelor. The pay was good and I had the daytime free. So I said yes. THEN she said I had to be there at 6am.
I tried to cancel, see if she could get anyone else, but there was no one. It’s not that I can’t get up at 5am, it’s just I knew my sore throat may not go away. I was right.
Monday: Striking props from the Bachelor: I was tired, but it wasn’t that bad. I did a Starbucks run. I did an In N Out run. I worked from 6am to 2:30pm. I came home, thought about sleeping but I had a meeting at 6pm for my upcoming math and technology family night. I went. Feeling tired and my voice was getting scratchy.
Tuesday: Taught Zome class. I tried not to speak over my students, but they get so darn excited. We made the Great Wall of China, after all. My voice was barely in tact at the end of the class. I was happy to sit silently through two screenings – Intruders with Clive Owen and John Carter in 3D. Voice completely gone.
Wednesday: Was supposed to start Weight Watchers and go to a meeting with DanishGirl, but being mute seemed to make it moot. I postponed it. I had to teach my last historical mockumentary class. I emailed the other teacher to said I would not be able to speak. He said fine. I actually used the speech tool on my Final Draft software when I needed to say something. The kids got a kick out of it. Then, Family Night as Ada Lovelace. Would I have a voice? I’ve heard of singers getting cortisone injected into their larynx when they lose their voice. That seemed a bit extreme. So instead I decided I would take an anti-inflammitory and gargle with olive oil to lubricate my vocal chords. It worked – at first. My monologue as Ada Lovelace went swimmingly, including my hair piece falling out (big laugh) and then I stuffed it into my shirt (bigger laugh). But as soon as I started teaching, the coughing started. And wouldn’t stop. My lesson was on binary code which I never had a solid grasp on in the first place, then trying to teach it using as few words as possible? Let’s just say there were plenty of confused kids and parents. Did I mention I had THREE classes in a row?
Thursday: I spent the morning finishing up my movie reviews, trying to conjure up cheeky titles. Did I succeed? Judge for yourself by clicking on the links. Then I taught science – 5 classes in 3 hours – no way to keep my voice in tact. Then a screening of Mirror Mirror. Then I had to prep my M.C. Escher costume – but where the f*ck is it? I looked EVERYWHERE, texted my bosses. Couldn’t find it…
Friday: Found costume in the garage (whew!). I played M.C. Escher from 8am to 2:30pm. Teaching all day. Voice rough and raw. So tired. Feet hurt.
And that was my week. I’m hoping to go to Richard Simmons tomorrow, but I probably should take it easy. then I’m supposed to have a bar mitzvah video meeting at 3pm…
Work is good. I like to be busy. I’m exhausted. (wine)
Radiation Level: Ovoviviparous
Listening To: At Last by Etta James
Okay, as I mentioned in the last post, January has hit the ground running. I started my new job this week and it was a wee bit more complicated than I thought it would be. I’m reviewing films for an online magazine (I will link to them as they start to go up). Of course I enjoy going to screenings and giving my opinion (if only one could walk the treadmill while watching new films). What I didn’t know was that I would need to enter the articles onto the site’s server and format them with photos and videos. Ever heard of SEO? That’s what I’m talking about, bitches!
Okay – I do this stuff with my blog, but let me tell you, for-profit websites are a heck of a lot different than using WordPress. Sure, learning WordPress takes some time, but really, a nine-year-old could do it. I spent seven hours yesterday trying to get one of my reviews properly formatted and it’s still not there. Pictures have to be a certain size, placed a specific way depending on whether or not they’re vertical or horizontal, there are tag words, meta words, meta keywords to add, code to embed and don’t get me started on uploading video.
Well, the good news is that I’m learning all this stuff and certainly it will come in handy as I add more content to the web. And a BIG thanks to RioGirl for getting me the gig (you seriously rock)!
So while I finish typing all my 1’s and 0’s that will magically turn into a movie review of Underworld: Awakening, take a gander at my students’ drawings of carnivorous plants (that’s right, Venus Flytraps!).